I am so annoyed with myself as I have been trying to send this CV since last Thursday. Oh why do people need to see CV's I crap at doing them and feel that if they saw me first would be better. Oh well I have to go and send this bloody thing. See you soon. BIG HUGS xxxx

Oh well only 2 more days to go and I will be unemployed well not quite as I will be starting with them all over again under a different name. I have been trying to send my bloody CV to a new company in colchester and its just gone from bad to worse as my screen seems to have gone down we thought it was the adapter but I think it is the screen now as we spent 3 hours on Saturday with a mac engineer in chelmsford, it worked fine there but just tried it here again and nothing, so I am really pissed off now. I need to change my job I cant work for them any more I have very little confindence left. Must go as I have got to re-type my CV on Barts computer. Speak to you soon Love always xxx.

Went to J's launch of the Technique Building its where I used to work before were I am now. There are 6 apartments and 1 maisonette which were all sold within an hour of opening the launch. So as I expected as always he's done it again. They were beautiful, very high ceilings with spot lights as J would say very contemporary which is what I love about his design, modern and clean with a minimalistic feel, I love that style. When I came home I was very disappointed with my kitchen after seeing that but I have kept it all in my head and now know how I want my house to look.

It gives me a buzz to see people looking at my work when they pick up my brochures that I designed, hearing there comments on it, its good gives me a big head for a while until I go back to work that is.

I am going to ask J if I can see them again before anyone moves in as I want to take pictures, the doors, the kitchens, and lights where out of this world. I have to remember them as I want them for my house.

I was alright today until I got to the car park, got a lump in my throat and when I got to work, I felt my heart beat in my mouth and down my arms, its a horrible feeling and reminded me of when I worked at Maldon. And thats been how I have felt most of the day. The thing that gets to me most is she is so happy so is phil, making out nothing is wrong. The thing is Terry is putting some money into the new company but with some changes which are mostly to do with the Bitch and phil the rest of us will carry on doing what we do already but they haven't given Terry the answer yet so, Terry is feeling he should look for another job and that makes me very nervous because I can't cope with another company with the same attitude as they have Terry would make a difference as he would be the boss. So well I don't know what to do. Apart from wait and see and while I'm waiting look for another job which are very few in this part.

Well I am still not very happy and just blew my top today with Bart, his is upstairs laying on the bed feeling sorry for himself, so dinner has gone in the bin. I have got a lump in my throat and can't face eating anything at the moment, as work is getting me down, I know I should look for another job but never get time to look for one. Terry has told us that they are changing the comany name and that we are moving to a unit, which has no windows and no character, very depressing. I ask if we were being made redundant from the company we all work for now, he said yes but we would all be re-employed by the new company. I hate the thought of being made redundant, I already feel worthless, I just don't think I can make it in the real world, life is just too hard for me to cope with at the moment.

I think the world of Bart but have this aching feeling that my life would be better with someone else. He never takes me any where and I am getting paranoide, may be his is embarrassed by me, I don't know. I just feel so alone. We have got the kids this weekend and that gets me down cos now they know the neighbours kids we don't just have 2 kids we have 6 or 8 of the bloody little shits in and out and out and in the bloody house, so glad they don't live here full time I would go mad.

The other thing that upsets me about Bart is that he is still married. When I asked him earlier this year what he was going to do about it, he bit my head off told me he had his tax to think about. I don't know may be I'm not ever ment to get married. Every time I have been asked I only ever get as far as being engaged, because they leave it so long for the marriage part which by that time the idea of it dosn't seem so wonderful any more. All I want to do is cry at the moment the slightest thing upsets me, I haven't felt like this for a long time. Life stinks at the moment.

How did you get on with your website design and have you spoken to Ian yet, he said he left you a message on your answer machine. I am really sorry about this week bad timming on my part, next time I book a week off it wont be a month from now probably six weeks from now in the middle, I should be ok then and not so tearfull. Sorry I didn't get to see you this time. I hope you are ok.

I am planning a surprise garden party at mine for my mum (as she is so wonderful) and I was kind of hoping you, Del and Rodders would come it's not until 1st of September which is a Saturday at 2pm, I am hoping that Bart's friends wife will be able to come and sing as it will make it extra special for her, but if not will are going to have it anyway as I am sending out the invites next week. We are keeping our fingers crossed that the weather will be ok for a BBQ as Barts friend (another one) will be the chief (thank god) Bart's BBQ's are burnt offerings burgers are more like buscuits, let me know if you are coming and I will get veggie burgers and other stuff that you can eat. If you can't make it don't worry as I will see you either before then or shortly after.

I am so tired have been up sinse 6.30am was at Tesco by 7am and back home by 8.45am, funny how you can get up much easier in the morning when you know you haven't got to go to work. I will speak to you soon, promise please don't worry I am ok just a bit down thats all it will pass. Love you lots. Big kisses XXXX.

Sorry this message is back to front again as I can't trust blogger to take long messages and as I can't write backwards.

All I have done is the cleaning and washing, ironing you name it around the house I've done it. But now I'm just bored, bored with this weather I need a break need to get away go somewhere sunny, the sun always seems to take my troubles away. I guess I thought Bart would have tried to take me somewhere nice this week but no, he makes me wonder sometimes or maybe it's just me expecting too much. Everyone is getting me down, my sister, tracy (kerry's sister) and well there always has to be a third and thats Bart. Had to pay 2,000 for kerry (the car thing) this week as well, then Bart tells me he has got a loan which will cover all his loans so only one payment a month instead of 4 or 5 can't remember but will save him about 500 a month so thats good. But he asked for a 1,000 over what he owes so he can buy a motor bike, which worries me.

Yeh sorry I have been working alot, for J and haven't had time to speak to you. Sorry I didn't leave a message last time but at the time I was being asked to go to bed as I was so tired.

This week has been a mixture of happiness and saddeness as I am in my depressed mode, feeling sorry for myself you know how it goes. Haven't been able to swimming as I have had a bad infection in my nose, really weird I can't feel the left side of my nose and it did get worse before it got better as I lost all feeling in the left side of my face but at the moment it has gone back to just my nose, each day it gets a little better but I am too scared to go into the pool before I know I am back to normal.

I am so sorry this was my week off but as I said haven't been feeling too good (headaches, eye strain), plus the added bonus of being busy with J's work. It is so anoying I needed more time to do his ads. but well as least I was at home with time on my hands so to speak. Probably why I am feeling so depressed at the moment can't stop crying. Weird I was going to call you today just needed a shoulder to cry on but as usual I didn't want to upset you so well I didn't call. Sorry.

Would you mind if I got Ian to phone you about the web stuff as I don't know too much about what they do. So let me know if thats OK. Sys3internet is mostly to do with Ian, he's a really nice bloke to talk wont bull shit you, just tell you the way it is, if you get my meaning. I think you have already had a chat with him on the grippa chat site, his name is moosh.

You must be busy, and theres me thinking I was busy. Any way good news Pippa has finally moved into her new house. Its big and has a self contained annex, so at the moment she has 2 kitchens but not for long as they want to pull it apart to make it one big house. Any way how are you, are you still busy with the web thing. I have been busy with J's work all his buildings are being released at the same time so loads of ads to do. I will speak later see yah. xxx